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81 days down- forever to go

March 20, 2018

81 days ago I made the single most important decision of my life.

81 days ago my husband and mother waited for what felt like eternity.

81 days ago I had a hard time waking up.

81 days ago my perspective changed forever.


December 29, 2017- exactly 81 days ago. I went in to have my weight loss surgery completed. I was petrified, yet educated. This decision of mine was not something that I decided on a whim- actually it was very planned and methodical. My surgeon gave me a mountain of *light* reading material about the type of surgery I was having as well as what I could expect post surgery.  Even in all of my preparation the only thing I could feel was fear- fear of being judged, fear of not knowing how I would react to anesthesia for the first time, fear of failing.  So, I didn't tell anyone about my decision outside of my close family, friends, and my personal trainer Weston.


Day of surgery||6:30 a.m- fearfully I arrive to the hospital. The entire time I had a lump the size of a lemon in the back of my throat. It almost felt as if the "old me" a.k.a pre- surgery me was staying behind in the waiting room to see how things would turn out on the other side. I seemingly went through the motions, terrified and emotionless in the beginning. After being pulled into the pre-op room, I stripped all the way down. Leaving my ego, fears and doubts on the floor along with my over sized t-shirt. Due to the nature of my surgery I was not allowed to wear my contacts or my glasses in the operating room, so I left those behind with my husband. If you know me in real life- you know that I am very visually impaired and cannot see anything without my glasses. 


8:00am- I get wheeled into the operating room and tears are streaming down my face. The hospital is so cold and sterile that I can feel the steam lifting off of my face as the tears stream down like two rivers. I couldn't see anything, and the bright lights were blinding my already blurry vision. The last thing I can remember as my pre surgery self was my amazing  Anesthesiologist wiping the tears from my face in an effort to calm me down. 


RE|COVERY-  Obviously the surgery itself was all dark- I don't recall anything other than that sweet man trying to make me stop crying. What I do remember was waking up to nurses screaming at me and shaking me to breathe on my own. Since I was so overweight I was at a high risk for sleep apnea and complications during surgery. I had a difficult time waking up and breathing- so they withheld ANY & ALL pain medication. I was feeling like I was hit by a train, waking up to people constantly yelling at you, and having these weird out of body, fully conscious moments of time where I could hear my brain telling my mouth to tell them I'm trying, but no words ever came out.  Once I was more stable I was moved to my hospital room, and had the best naps of my *entire* life. 


|| I have come a very long way since December 29, 2017.  This picture was taken exactly 2 weeks before my surgery.


 I was at my all time heaviest weight here- Almost 400 lbs. Embarrassing, but not due to a lack of effort. Even months before my surgery prep I had been dieting and spending time with Weston in the gym- for whatever reason my body was saying no to changing itself. I honestly started to feel like my wheels were stuck in the mud and I was spinning, spinning, and spinning with no results or movement.  


I am happy to report that post surgery I am 75 lbs down officially. It feels so good to finally see progress, but that doesn't mean that this has been easy by any means. This has been the toughest 81 days of my entire life. My perspective is different now, and I only have forever to go. ||| Stay tuned next week for my next blog! 

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