I feel so fortunate that I have such a loving family. My family has been/ always will be the absolute most important part of my life. I have an amazingly close family, and I treasure their love and support through all of the things life can throw my way. Anytime we are all together my stomach winds up hurting from all the belly laughing that happens, and my cheeks always get super sore from constantly smiling from ear to ear. My family has been amazingly supportive through my surgery process and even had to put up with me crying when I couldn't eat ANY of the delicious food during the holidays. Don't even get me started on missing out on my NeNe's peanut butter balls.
I could have highlighted my whole family, but this week I really wanted to focus on the one woman in my life who will never fail me. My Mom.
Moms- Are they not the most under rated women on this planet? I feel that the appreciation for your mom grows stronger and deeper as you get older. She loves you unconditionally through all of the alien phases of your life- where boys are all of a sudden interesting, yet no one is good enough for her baby girl, where the fights are real & the words are real hurtful, and where your fashion sense is out the window. - Anyone else had these awkward phases in life? No? Just me- cool. There was a solid time in my life that I only wanted to wear a t- shirt and athletic shorts EVERYWHERE, and we fought about it. HARD. Wether it was my clothes, or me just being a bitchy teenager- Fighting with my mom was never something I would ever be proud of- 15 year old me just thought she didn't understand- which could be any thing further from the truth. I know now that she was trying to teach me and show me how to become a decent human being that she maybe would want to hang out with later. Don't worry guys- we see each other regularly and enjoy ALL THE WINE together.
I will say, She even loved me through the phase in my life where my room was painted SF Giants Orange (And yes- the walls were plastered with Barry Bonds posters and pictures of Elvis) and the ceiling was painted to look like clouds. Also- I should mention to top off this gaudy cake that I decided to bake for myself at the ripe old age of 12, I had a leopard print comforter. Now I cringe, but back then I thought I was SOOOO cool. I think she even let me have a disco ball- now looking back on it- she was pretty cool for letting me express myself- no matter how atrocious it was.
My parents always had an open door policy for my friends growing up- I was one of those weirdo's that hated spending the night at other people's house's, but I LOVED having people over to mine. This open door policy still transcends time- any of my friends are welcome. anytime. Thats the type of love I grew up with.
To this day-My mom continues to love me and show me grace no matter how much my words can hurt her. As an adult, living 30 minutes away is hard. I always worry about her and my dad and often get concerned with how busy life can be- I worry that I am missing out on their lives and loosing precious time, and then she reminds me that it is okay to live my life. But there are times where you just flat out want your Mommy. I knew when I had my surgery that afterwards when I was recovering there is no one on this planet that would be able to make me feel better than my mom.
She showed up at the hospital at 8am right before I was taken back into the operating room. I internally started freaking out when they were taking me back just because I was scared. I wanted her with me. I didn't want to let go of her hand as they took me back. I didn't want to go in there alone- but I knew I had to. Today, I can sit here and imagine what was going through her head. Its almost as if I can hear the prayers she was saying continually over and over again begging God to make sure I was okay, and that I had no complications.
Eventually after I was discharged, Andy took me straight to my parents house. Being home made such a difference in my recovery process. When we arrived, thank goodness one of my best friends Nicki was already there waiting for me- that open door policy I mentioned was especially in effect for sweet Nicki as she was visiting briefly from Los Angeles and made a point to come visit me.
During the week I was recovering, my mom waited on me hand and foot. I would try to get up and walk whenever I could, I tried to make it a point to walk around the kitchen at least 5 times a day. The first couple of days were difficult because I was full of gas. Yes I know- weird to say out loud and probably way Too Much Information, but they filled me with gas in order to perform the surgery. So the first couple of days I was super sore, and had a hard time sitting up (they did cut into what little ab muscles I had). She would help me up, bring me pain medication, pour my meals and fill my room with love. We would watch her soaps (against my will), the golden girls and all of the hallmark movies on repeat. I remember one day it hit me so hard- The decision I made was forever. No going back.
The big UGLY day- Emotional Break Down||
The day that I was slapped in the face with my decision was probably the roughest day to date of my recovery. I remember so distinctly I had been having issues sleeping- I got a weird bout of insomnia after surgery and could not sleep for the life of me. I would stay up all night watching parks and rec. - leaving me exhausted and emotional the following day.
I walked into the living room just so upset with the choice I made. I was crying because I was hungry and couldn't eat anything yet. I was upset because I didn't understand why God created me in a way that I couldn't loose the weight on my own. I was depressed at the realization that this new struggle would be my regular day to day battle, and there was no returning. No surgery out there could reverse what was already done. They took out 2/3 of my stomach- its not like they can just pop it back in there. I was utterly exhausted- as my parks and rec all night long watching party didn't help the situation. I sobbed loudly and uncontrollably for the entire day. I screamed at her every time she spoke to me, not because she did anything wrong or deserved it, but because I felt alone and I felt that she didn't understand. No amount of golden girls, or hallmark movies could cheer me up or make me a turn back into reasonable human being.
That day she reminded me of why I made this choice. She held me and reminded me constantly that she loved me and that she was here for me. More importantly- she loved me. I could not have gotten through it without her.
Some of you don't know this but- Luckily two years ago I was blessed enough to initiate her into my sorority, Delta Gamma. Sharing my favorite sisterhood with my Mom was one of the best days of my life.
My mom is superwoman y'all. She constantly loves me even when I am at my worst and I don't deserve her love. She is my best friend, my confidant, my sister and my biggest cheerleader. I am forever grateful for this beautiful, strong, loving woman. I love you so much Momma- thank you for being you. I can never repay you for everything you constantly do for me.