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Wild Wild Thoughts

April 26, 2018

 

 

 

XC. Noventa.Quatre-vingt-dix.Neunzig. The big Nine- Zero. 90.

 

 

Have you ever achieved something that has been out of your wildest dreams? Like the thought of this particular thing happening is so far fetched that it couldn't possibly happen to you?

 

Buckle up y'all- let's get real...

 

 

My whole life I have struggled with my weight. I always remember never being able to share clothes with my girlfriends because I was afraid that they would change in front of me- pressuring me to do the same. I HATED changing in the locker room at school- girls would laugh and point at me as if I couldn't hear them. I was bullied my entire life for my weight.  I have always hated going somewhere in a bathing suit- I was never allowed to wear the cute two pieces that everyone else could wear. I constantly hid behind people in group pictures just poking out my neck so you couldn't see how big I had grown over the years. I wore clothes that were entirely too big for me just to hide the fact that my body wouldn't cooperate with me and my efforts. Growing up I had thunder thighs and an athletic stocky build and I was ashamed of them. I used to have some social anxiety issues around being in a group of women that were all prettier and skinnier than me- I never spoke about it out loud but these insecurities plagued me for my entire life. I've had people "MOO" at me when I walked by. Ive had people "OINK" at me when I was walking into a store. Once when I was a server at BWW- in the tip line someone actually wrote: get a gym membership you fatty. For that same table I didn't make a dime off of any of them- each tip line had something mean written about me and the way I looked. I always knew I looked different.

 

I would cry and cry wishing that God would somehow change my body into something that felt so unattainable. I always have felt like there has been this fierce, strong woman trapped inside of me and the way I looked never matched the way I felt. She was trapped and I had no way of letting her out- no matter how hard I tried. 

 

These problems are of the flesh right? They are small, insignificant to the world problems, but they effected me and the way my soul felt. I became a pro at hiding it and "faking it" until I made people believe that I "loved" myself and was confident with the way I looked. 

 

 

This past week I realized that I was officially 90 lbs down. And I am happy to report that I was slapped with my reality yesterday at my check up appointment with my surgeon. She confirmed that yes- I have lost 90 lbs in a short 3 and 1/2 months. She believes that I have actually lost more than 90 lbs, but I have been working out so much that I have gained some muscle. She also confirmed my biggest fear was not true: no- I am not going to stop any time soon. Guys...

                                          This is just the beginning

 

Even though its been rocky so far- things are just starting. I have never been so excited to see what my future holds as I continue down this path.  My whole view on life has changed. This blog is dedicated to celebrating Liberation from almost an entire extra human that I was carrying with me. 

 

I am proud that I have thunder thighs- that means I can squat more: even though I complain the whole time. 

 

I am no longer ashamed of the way my body looks. I AM DAMN PROUD of myself and how far I have come. 

 

I no longer have social anxiety when I am around people who look different than me- my body has been flipped upside down. What is normal to me now is extremely different to the rest of the world. 

 

I am no longer ashamed of going to the pool- even though I have some sagging skin-i love it. I will not be ashamed of where I have come from.

 

I no longer hide behind people when we are taking a group picture. 

 

I no longer have social anxiety. If someone says a rude comment to me- I have no problem educating them.

 

I will not let the enemy win by telling me lies about myself. 

 

I am strong and proud.

 

I will celebrate my body. 

 

I will love my body. 

 

 

This whole process has been so liberating. Not only from my weight, but from the unspoken burdens I carried as the old me. I finally look like the woman that I knew has always been inside of me. Someone pinch me because my wildest dreams are coming true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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