Routines. They can get REAL cozy- right? As a society we tend to only do what "we know" week over week never thinking outside of the box or stepping out of our comfort zone. This week's blog post is about busting through those barriers and diving head first into new things.
I will be the first one to admit it that I hate doing things that make me feel uncomfortable. Wether it is huge like changing my life forever, W forcing me to do a new exercise, or even as small as trying a new workout. Any time the new me is presented with the choice to stay where I currently am or grow- 10 out of 10 I would always choose grow. I might be scared. I might complain the whole time, but I will be damned if I am not going to get something out of this experience.
Ultimately its all a defense mechanism I have built up for myself over the years of being bullied. In the past, I learned that it was much easier to fade into the background versus do something that would draw attention to me. I have always been self conscious of the way I looked, and acted. I desperately wanted people to want to be my friend. Pretty much when I moved to Texas, I tried to assimilate myself into being as "normal" as possible. I was the new over weight kid from Louisiana that talked funny. plain and simple.... I just didn't fit in here. I joined theatre a couple of months after the move and started working on my diction to loose my accent that way I could blend in better with the "normal" kids.
This is the first time I am admitting this, much less writing it out for the world to see. Bare with me.
I would stay up night after night doing workouts in my room to avoid gaining any weight. I had a brief spout of bulimia that I kept a secret from everyone. I would eat and then immediately purge so I wouldn't gain any weight. When I went out with friends it was easy to excuse myself to the restroom and no one ever thought of it being a problem because I hid it so well. End of my junior- beginning of senior year (height of my bulimia) of high school I was so self conscious of my weight I would obsessively brush and whiten my teeth so no one would notice if they got stained from my purging. Honestly I didn't even categorize this part of my life as having an eating disorder. Eventually after no change in the scale I decided to stop simply because I learned that I really liked food and it made me feel better when I was dealing with any emotions. Honest to God- I think I blacked this portion of my life out for a while to try and avoid those feelings of self hate again. When they asked me before my surgery if I ever had a history of an eating disorder - I said no. Not because I was trying to lie to them, but because I think subconsciously I didn't want to go there again. I didn't want to revisit that part of my life. Is this whole thing something that I am proud of?- absolutely not. Do my parents/ friends/ family know that I struggled with this- absolutely not. (sorry for not telling you in person Mom)
I forgive high school me for being so rough on us. I think I was harder on myself than the bullies ever could have been to my face. I give her grace for starting something that was harmful to my body. I forgive myself for allowing high school me to think I was never worthy. I forgive myself for allowing high school me to think I was never enough.
Hind sight is always 20/20..right? I wish I would have had the confidence to step out of my comfort zone and not be afraid to be who I was- big thighs, big cajun accent and all.
Turning a new leaf-
This last weekend I had the pleasure of stepping out of my comfort zone even further than I have ever before (in the workout world). I did a bootcamp. Why? because I am insane. Just Kidding!
My girl, Chris, is one of the founders of the Dallas Millennial Club. Not only is Chris an amazingly supportive friend, but she is a bad ass babe who is taking Dallas by storm! DMC was having a fundraiser for S.T.E.M and all Proceeds from this event went to support Millennials for S.T.E.M, a local nonprofit that aims to provide resources and funding for underserved school programs. In addition to this amazing cause, one of my other girls- Mary has made a recent dedication to changing her lifestyle and is trying to be more active. The minute she told me she was going and already had her tickets. I purchased mine without blinking an eye. I wanted to show her that I supported her new lifestyle, but secretly I was scared. In my head I was already working on finding a reason to back out. I was self conscious. I was insecure about my abilities even though I have been killing myself in the gym. But- I showed up. I will say- this work out kicked my ass. It sucked. I think I spoke to Jesus like 100 times- "dear lord Jesus please make this be over".
I honestly am so happy that I stepped out of my comfort zone and didn't let the exit sign beat me. It could have been very easy to just give up and walk out. We all stuck it out no matter how hard it got. It wasn't easy, but I knew that going into it. I know I posted these on my instagram (@therealslimschumie) but feel free to check them out below:
Taking the easy road....
Taking the easy road is no longer an option for me. I can no longer easily eat or drink my feelings away. I will physically get sick- let me clarify, not by my own doings- praise the Lord that this disease was only brief in my case & not something that carried into my adult life, but simply because my stomach is significantly smaller now. I have to be present. 100% of the time. There is no hiding. No fading into the background. This is my second chance to make it right for me, and I can promise you- I won't let myself down again. Here's to 96.5 LBS down.
If you would like to learn more about the Dallas Millennial Club visit: http://www.dallasmillennialclub.com