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Enough.

July 17, 2018

 

I have been stuck y'all.

Like... really stuck. 

 

 

 

Ive been in this slump of not feeling like I am enough. If you follow me on instagram you will know that I have been struggling with the fact that since I have gotten back to the gym the scale has not been budging. While I am feeling stronger than ever, it doesn't mean it is easy. That strength and confidence doesn't come without the struggle. 

 

Just to give you a quick idea here are a few of the struggles I face daily that aren't really spoken out-loud, and honestly I just need to get them off of my chest: 

 

 

My hair falls out in clumps every day. I am getting balder and balder the more time goes on- please don't comment to me about it. There is a 99.9999999% chance that I will cry. 

 

I still cannot eat more than 2 oz at any given time. However I eat more and more frequently now so that is a bonus. But in a given setting I don't eat that much still. I struggle at meal time still. Max number of calories I have been able to consume in a day is 800. That was on leg day & I pushed myself to eat that much.

 

I forget what I look like now. - I LOVE to take pictures of me and my girlfriends and hubby of course. For example- one of my main babes Chris and I took a picture at her birthday party and she freaked out because of the way I looked in the picture. Just because I feel confident and happy doesn't always mean that I realize what I look like in a photo or to others. When I look in the mirror I still see parts and glimers of the old me. I don't know how to make that go away. There is more than a bit of dysmorphia there and I don't know when that will fade away. 

 

I still compare myself to others. I know....I know.... I KNOW. I shouldn't do this. NO ONE SHOULD DO THIS. I still to this day ask myself if I look as big as others in public. 

 

I have become slightly vain and I don't know how to handle that. I care about what I look like. I still stand by the fact that I enjoy my natural look (no major makeup except for a special occasion) but I care about the fact that I still can't see the muscle definition that I have been working on just yet. I hate this about the new me, but I can't help it. I stand in the mirror and pick apart the things that should be showing that are not there yet. I have always been one of those people who value the soul and the person not the way you look- so as I am sure you can tell I have been struggling with how vain I have become. 

 

I have allowed the phrase "I can't" creep its way into my vocabulary. I struggle with the fact that I can now physically do things that I never thought I could. For example- last week on leg day I set a PR for leg press. The entire time, each set leading up to the last and heaviest one- I constantly said I can't do this. Thank God for Weston and his ability to push me through when I am having a mind block. 

 

I forget that people don't know what my daily struggle is. I still am sensitive when waiters in public make a huge deal about me asking for a box or when I go out with friends and they look at me weird when I dart to the bathroom because my tummy didn't agree with what I ate. 

 

I still struggle with getting sick. Not from over eating, but because my stomach is so sensitive now. I often have to secretly scope out where the bathroom is when I go out in public. I will politely excuse myself from the table then RUN to the bathroom to projectile vomit. its not fun. its embarrassing. There is a 100% chance I feel way worse about it than anyone with me ever will. I don't know if that embarrassment will ever go away. Also when I return to the table there is a 10 out of 10 possibility that I will be crying. I have learned how to live being embarrassed of my eating and the consequences of me eating in public. 

 

I forget to write it out when I am feeling overwhelmed. 

 

I am not perfect, yet I try to be- and its exhausting. 

 

I have become obsessive about my food. I cannot leave the house without packing a snack and being prepared. Its annoying how much I have to be constantly thinking ahead. 

 

Even though I have been stuck- I know I am going to come out of the physical and emotional plateau that I have not been able to climb over. Its not going to be easy. Its going to be even more difficult. But I am ready to take on that struggle. I am enough. 

 

 

 

 

 

XOXO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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