Change is hard. It doesn't matter what stage of life you are in- it will always knock you down on your ass.
Life lately has been dealing me some terrible cards. I have been fighting against depression (because I am questioning if I made the right choice in leaving my full time job), self doubt - all of a sudden ALL of the work I have put in is pointless & I am having a hard time valuing myself, and even worse- lack of grace.
I have been having a lack of grace for myself. Right now I am working 2 jobs, 7 days a week. I study every night and any spare chance I get. Sunday -Wednesdays I have been staying at my parents house because its closer to my new job & will cost me less in gas & tolls.
But you see... the beauty is I don't have the stress of my full-time job weighing me down. Once I clock out- I am gone, by night I am a faint memory of the morning shift. It is hard. Its physically draining. For the first two weeks I cried almost every night. I've had several break downs lately of me questioning my choices as an adult.
Am I making the right move by going BACK to school at almost 30?
Did I make the right choice getting out of an unhappy work environment?
Do I have too much on my plate working two jobs?
Does my husband still love me even though, I am barely around and when I am- I am either a crying mess or asleep.
Do my friends still want to hang out with me even though I am a complete and total mess?
Right now I am that person that when you ask the mindless question "how are you doing?" I will have a hard time faking it. I will probably burst into tears and unload all of my life's stress on you, giving you entirely way more than you bargained for.
You see- I am currently writing this in a bar waiting for my study partner to arrive. A. Complete.Crying. Mess.
But- I press on...
See I know that these thoughts I am fighting aren't mine, and they are against what the universe has set out for my life. They are an utter lie. I know it. I can write it time and time again, yet I somehow still fall short when it comes to believing what I know is true in my heart.
If they were not a lie- then I would not be making all A's in my first semester of graduate school. Every obstacle for this program has presented to me has been easily over come and then some.
I was in spin class on Saturday morning- needing a dose of Cody's light and love, and he said something that has stuck with me through the weekend and today as I drug my behind out of bed at 4:45 am to get ready for work.
He simply said " FIGHT FOR YOURSELF, NOT BECAUSE ITS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO BUT BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT".
The thing is - this wasn't just about the spin class. I was meant to hear this. This was the universe reminding me that I am on the right path and I need to fight through the change because I deserve every single second of it.
Sure its hard. Nothing worth living for is easy.
So- I will fight. I know I deserve to be happy and have a career that is fulfilling. I will be resilient. I will succeed. Not because it's what I am supposed to do....